See You Again
by IHeartLogiebear
Summary: James Diamond had been dating Emilia Laurent for more than a year and he was sure that they would be together forever. However, sometimes things happen when you least expect them to. On one rainy Los Angeles night, a motorcycle accident changed everything. In an instant, his life was turned upside down and he was left with nothing but his grief and a life changing injury.
1. A Big Time Mistake

**Gosh, Losing My Mind is my baby and I have Journey (that super cute series of one-shots), but I got this idea earlier and I HAD to write and upload it 0.0**

* * *

"Ah!"

The sound of two laughing, and in-love, teens filled the air at the Palm Woods pool. At two thirty in the morning, you'd think that James Diamond and Emilia Laurent would be asleep in their beds, but instead they had decided to sneak out and have a secret date. Chances are, their parents would probably be looking for them, but that was the last thing on their minds.

"Ne le faites pas, James !" Emilia screeched, her French heritage becoming even more apparent in that moment. James had fallen for her the minute she came to the Palm Woods after immigrating to America with her family. He didn't have the easiest time getting her, though. Unlike most girls, she actually made him work for it.

"Babe, I don't know what you're saying." James chuckled, preparing to toss Emilia into the pool. She began rambling in French, flailing her arms and legs. She wasn't usually this feisty. In fact, she was quite soft spoken, choosing to keep to herself most of the time. She had managed to get James as her boyfriend, though. Now they had been dating for over a year.

"You throw me in there and I'll-" James smiled, sitting her down. Her accent always seemed to get thicker when she got mad or annoyed.

Then they kissed, smiling into the gesture.

"I love you." She said, hugging his waist.

"I wub you too." James grinned, kissing her cheek. Emilia rolled her eyes, taking her boyfriend's hand and leading him over to a lawn chair. Once he laid down, she laid down as well, her head on his chest.

"Hey, I want you to try something." She sat up and grabbed her bag, reaching inside. "This is called a gougére. It's a French pastry made of choux dough and cheese."

James eyed her curiously, reluctantly accepting her offer. Emilia watched eagerly as he experienced the pastry for the first time, hoping that he'd like it. She had made the gougéres herself and it would be her first time sharing this particular snack with James. He had tried many of her other creations and enjoyed them.

"Wow!" He exclaimed. "This is amazing."

Emilia smiled proudly, kissing his cheek. After James was finished, he urged her to get up so he could do the same. She watched with confusion as he slipped his red, white, and black biker jacket on, even more confused with he took her hand and led her out the door, and toward the exit leading to the parking garage.

"No, not the motorcycle!" She groaned as James handed her a bicycle helmet. "And our parents will-"

"They're not gonna know." James chuckled, sitting on the bike. After another moment, Emilia threw up her hands in defeat and sat behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He was happy with her decision to join him on a late night ride around Los Angeles. It wasn't like they were gonna go very far.

"Vous êtes tellement incroyable." She mumbled as he started up the motorcycle. She didn't know why Mama Knight had finally given in and allowed him to get one of these things. The truth was that she hated motorcycles, considering how many accidents happened. She wasn't really interested in being a victim.

"English please." James joked as he sped out of the garage, while Emilia only rolled her eyes. She flinched when she heard thunder, realizing that a storm was probably coming. Those weren't very common in Los Angeles, but they certainly happened. Tonight was apparently gonna be one of those times.

"Maybe we should turn back." She said, looking up at the sky as lightning flashed.

James didn't listen, though. He just kept going, ignoring her protests. She didn't know why James was such a big fan of motorcycles. They seemed terribly dangerous, more than planes or cars. There was no metal covering them and protecting them from potential crashes. She didn't like the sound of that.

"Em, we'll be fine!" He assured her just as rain began pouring.

"I'm not sure-"

"Just relax." James laughed, slowing down a bit. He knew about road safety. Mama Knight had made him read up on it and take a class before getting the motorcycle. Of course, it was his own mother's idea first, but Mama Knight agreed that he should be prepared for such a big responsibility.

"Jay, I'm freaking out-" Emilia gulped, clinging to him. James shook his head, picking up speed again. Emilia squeaked, tightening her arms around his waist. Her breath was becoming heavier with every moment. James was adventurous, she was not. They were total opposites, but their relationship somehow worked.

"If we crash, you're gonna be sorry." She warned, her hair blowing in the wind.

"Just relax." James repeated. Taking a deep breath, Emilia tried to do just that, letting her head rest against his back. She looked around at the various buildings that they passed, actually beginning to enjoy herself after a while. Once she calmed down, the ride became quite pleasant.

"Having fun yet?" James called out.

"Kind of!" She giggled, giving him a hug. He smiled as she kissed the back of his head, making a left turn. She squealed at the sudden change in direction, then laughed. Someone honked at them and Emilia snorted as James flipped them off, burying her face against his back. He wasn't usually the type to make such gestures, so this was funny.

"Be sure to watch out for ditches and puddles." She warned as his speed began to pick up again. The anxiety was slowly returning. That couldn't be a good thing. The rain began pouring harder and the lightning began to get more frequent, and the thunder got louder. Suddenly, she was back to being nervous as hell.

"We'll be okay." James insisted, making another turn. Emilia flinched, clinging tighter to him. She really wanted to go home, but she didn't have the heart to ruin her boyfriend's fun. He was having a good time and he needed that after working so hard for the band's upcoming tour to promote their third album.

"Um, are you gonna be ready for the tour?" She asked him.

"Uh...yeah!" James replied, looking for another station on the stereo. Emilia watched with disbelief, knowing that he shouldn't have been distracted while driving. She had heard of so many incidents where motorcycle drivers got distracted and ended up getting hurt or dying. Emilia couldn't stand the thought of losing James. She wanted to get married, have children, and grow old with him.

"James, I don't think you should be doing that."

"What?" James wondered, still messing with the stereo.

"Leave the stereo alone!" She yelled.

"Why are you getting so panicky?" James frowned, pulling his hand away from the machine. Emilia sighed with relief as his eyes returned to the road ahead of them. She could see that he was a bit annoyed with her, though. He had gotten a bit rebellious recently and hated being told what to do. It wasn't like him at all, but Emilia put up with it.

"I just don't want you to get hurt." She murmured.

James sighed. "I know."

"I l-JAMES, LOOK OUT!" She suddenly screamed when she saw the bright lights headed in their direction. James tried to swerve out of the way, but it was too late. Before either of them knew it, they were hit. Metal screeched, tires squeaked, and the loudest crash was heard as the larger vehicle and the motorcycle made contact.

Then everything was black.

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**Translations**

Ne le faites pas, James: Don't do it, James!

Vous êtes tellement incroyable: You are so unbelievable

**So, you like? I hope so:)**

**Review! :D**


	2. Losing You

**I'll post a new chapter of Losing My Mind tomorrow:) **

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James could only see one thing. A figure on the concrete covered with a white sheet. It didn't immediately register who exactly was under the sheet. He could only feel the excruciating pain in his right arm and the fact that he had no feeling from the waist down. His shock prevented him from crying, through. He just laid on the ground and watched the flashing red lights nearby.

He groaned loudly as he was turned over on his back. He listened to the reassurances from the paramedics, but he wasn't convinced. No, he _wasn't _okay. His arm was most likely broken, he couldn't feel his legs, and he had no idea where Emilia was. He hoped that she was okay...she wasn't the one under that sheet, was she?

"We're gonna help you, kid." One paramedic said. James closed his eyes, whimpering. In the distance, he could see a wrecked motorcycle and the severely damaged front of a pickup. He cried out as his arm was gently touched, a single tear falling down his face. A stretcher had been brought over and was being prepared for him.

"E-em...w-where is she?" He murmured, suddenly screaming as he was lifted onto the stretcher. He was soon strapped down and was wheeled toward an ambulance, an oxygen mask placed over his face. He...he wanted to see Emilia. He _needed _to see her.

* * *

Lucy Stone was fully aware that a young woman shouldn't be out this early in the morning. She was eighteen, though. She lived on her own and she was free to go out when she wanted. When she realized that she wasn't gonna be sleeping anytime soon, she decided to go for a walk, maybe even get something to eat.

As she turned down a sidewalk a few miles from the Palm Woods, she immediately noticed a chaotic scene. Ambulances and police cars, a blocked street, people all over the place, a pickup and a wrecked motorcycle, and an unknown figure covered with a white sheet. Then she realized whose motorcycle that is. It's...it's...it's James's motorcycle.

"Oh god..." She whispered when she saw James being wheeled over to an ambulance. She immediately whipped out her cell phone, dialing the phone number to apartment 2J. The guys, Mama Knight, and Katie needed to know about this. She just hoped that she could keep from sobbing as she told them what she saw.

Riiiing...

Riiiiiiing...

"Hurry up." She whispered, eyeing the scene behind her. After what seemed like forever, someone _finally _answered. Kendall Knight, James's bandmate and longtime friend. Oh, and Lucy's crush. Sadly for her, he was in a relationship with Jo Taylor, star of hit CW series New Town High.

"What?" Kendall murmured, yawning.

"You guys need to get to the hospital." Lucy said, trying to keep her voice steady. "I was walking and I saw these ambulances, police cars, J-james being wheeled to an ambulance on a stretcher...it was a m-motorcycle accident."

She burst into tears as she hurried over to the white sheet covered figure. Kneeling down, she hesitantly pulled up the sheet, crying out when she saw Emilia's lifeless figure. Oh god...oh, god...This wasn't happening. One of her closest friends...someone that was like a sister to her...was dead.

"Emilia's dead!" She sobbed into the phone, covering her mouth with her free hand as a paramedic gently pulled her away.

"L-lucy, I'm waking up my m-my mom and the g-guys right now." Kendall said, clearly holding back sobs. Lucy cried as he hung up, leaning against a brick wall. Why had James and Emilia been out at this time? They should have been at home, safe in their beds. Oh, this would surely destroy James.

She shook her head, wiping the tears away. She couldn't stop crying, though. She just couldn't.

* * *

Beep...

Beep...

Beep...

James groaned as he awakened, blinking a few times. Even once his vision cleared up, he still kept his eyes only halfway open. He was so tired and confused. He remembered the accident, but he didn't know anything else. He mostly noticed how badly his arm hurt and how he couldn't feel anything from the waist down to his toes. He wished that someone would explain.

He was wearing a solid blue hospital gown, he had a green cast on his right arm, and two small tubes inserted in his nostrils. He took a deep breath, turning his head to the right. Mama Knight was holding his hand in hers, while her other hand strokes his face. He inhaled again, mouthing to her.

"What's that, baby?" She whispered tearfully.

"W-where's E-em?" He choked out. He frowned as a tear fell down Mama Knight's face as she glanced back at his bandmates. Carlos ran out of the room almost instantly and Logan, who appeared to be on the verge of tears, followed him. James watched worriedly, silently begging for Mama Knight or Kendall to tell him what's going on. He didn't know what had happened with Emilia, but he had a feeling that something was wrong.

"Honey," Mama Knight said, kissing his hand. "When you and Emilia fell off the motorcycle, she hit her head v-very hard and it...it killed her, baby. Emilia's no longer with us."

James's breath hitched in his throat.

"Buddy, there's more." Kendall said sadly, gently rubbing his shoulder. "You suffered a bad break in your spine and...and you're paralyzed from the waist down. You can't walk anymore."

James shook his head, trembling. This had to be some awful nightmare. There was no way that he had lost both the love of his life and his mobility. He could handle the lack of mobility, most likely, but not losing Emilia. She was meant the whole world to him. He...he was _in love _with her.

"Jay, w-we're gonna help you through this, okay?" Mama Knight stroked his cheek. He only shook his head, grabbing the basement off the end table. He promptly emptied the contents of his stomach, the pain in his arm becoming the least of his concerns. They were joking, right? Was this some kind of sick joke?

"Oh, honey-" Mama Knight rubbed his back, while Kendall took the basin from him. He shook as he was pulled into the comforting arms of Mama Knight, burying his head in her shoulder. He didn't start crying right away, like most probably thought he would. He only laid in her arms, staring straight ahead.

Life without Em...he couldn't...he couldn't believe that she was gone. Maybe he would wake up tomorrow morning and find out that it had all been a dream. He would get up, eat breakfast, go to school, and exchange flirtatious notes with her. Then they would go to the pool and splash each other, and exchange kisses. That's how it was suppose to be!

"I'm so sorry." Mama Knight whispered, kissing his forehead. She rocked him back and forth, whispering words of comfort to him. Those words weren't affective, though. All James could think about was the fact that his whole life had changed in just a few hours. He wasn't sure how long he'd be in the hospital, but when he was released, he would be going home in a wheelchair...and he wouldn't be seeing Emilia.

"I'm gonna go and check on Carlos and Logan." Kendall murmured to his mom, who nodded in response. Reaching out, he squeezed James's good hand, then disappeared from the room. Meanwhile, James laid silently, wondering why God hadn't taken him instead. If anyone should have died, it should have been him, right?

More importantly, he wished that he had never taken Emilia on that motorcycle ride. Her...her death...it was his fault. He would have to live the rest of his life knowing that he had cost Emilia her life. He wasn't sure if he could handle it.

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**That was so sad:'(**

**Thanks for reviewing! :D**


	3. Aftermath Of A Tragedy

"W-we should have st-stopped them from l-leaving."

"Carlos, it...it's not our fault."

Kendall could feel his heart shattering more with every passing moment. He stood in an empty hallway, watching one of his best friends comfort his other best friend. He clenched and unclenched his fists, his grief and frustration getting the best of him. He wasn't sure who he should be angry with. James for sneaking out with Em? The other driver for drinking and driving?

"W-we could h-have paid more attention." Carlos cried into Logan's shoulder. Kendall took a step forward, but stopped. No, he wasn't in the mood to be around other sad people. He was too busy grieving himself. Being around others would only make it worse for him. Most of all, he wasn't certain that he could handle being around James.

"H-hey."

He turned to face Jo Taylor, his girlfriend of more than two years. With tears in his eyes, he pulled her into his arms as she burst into tears. Emilia had been like a sister to her, Lucy, Camille, and Stephanie. The only people at the Palm Woods that didn't like Emilia were the Jennifers...and Bitters. He said her accent reminded him of his ex girlfriend.

"H-how's J-James?" Jo asked after her sobs slowed down.

"I'm gonna check on him." Kendall said, wiping his eyes and kissing her cheek before heading to the ICU. He only got to James's door before he stopped again, reluctant to go inside. He knew that James was grieving the loss of his girlfriend and probably wasn't in the best shape, but didn't someone need to keep an eye on him?

"Your mom and dad are on their way." He heard his mom telling James. The permanently injured boy didn't respond at all. He stared straight ahead with a look that made Kendall think that he might start crying at any moment. Mama Knight finally just stood up and kisses the side of James's head, kissing Kendall's cheek as she walked past him.

Slowly, Kendall entered the room, eyeing the hospital bracelets around James's "good" wrist. Then he looked at his friend's blanket covered legs, more tears welling up in his eyes as he shut the door. He couldn't believe that James would never walk again, that they would have to push him around in a wheelchair.

"Don't...say it."

"What?" Kendall frowned, sitting on the mattress.

"That you're sorry."

"But Ja-"

"Just don't do it!" James snapped, struggling to get comfortable. Kendall instantly got up and helped James sit up, adjusting his pillow for him. Once that was done, he lowered the boy back down, even though James seemed very annoyed. Kendall couldn't even imagine what his friend was going through.

"I...I just wanna be left alone."

"Okay." Kendall whispered, gently squeezing James's shoulder before making a quiet exit.

* * *

James spent the next four hours desperately struggling to hold back tears. There were several occasions where he'd nearly burst into sobs, only to remind himself that he had no right. Emilia was dead because of him. Because of his stupidity, he would never see his precious Em ever again. He would eventually accept being confined to a wheelchair, but not losing his Emilia.

"James? Honey?"

He slowly turned his head to the side, watching his parents enter the room. Brooke Diamond was holding a vase of flowers with a Get Well Soon balloon tied around it. It was a sweet gesture, but James wasn't sure if he could fully appreciate the whole "Get Well Soon" deal. He was paralyzed, never to walk again, so the only thing that would be "getting well" would be his broken arm.

"Oh, baby." Brooke said tearfully, reaching out to him. He didn't give much of a respond, but he accepted a hug. He sniffled as he rested his head on her shoulder, glancing at his dad. He watched as the man sat on the bed and started to pat his leg, only to quickly pull his hand away.

"I'm so sorry, honey." Brooke said, kissing the top of his head.

"She-she's g-gone." He murmured, more tears filling his eyes. But he quickly blinked them back, refusing to cry. After what he had done, he didn't deserve to cry. If Emilia could say anything right now, she would probably be yelling at him in French and telling him that he had absolutely no right to cry, considering that he caused her death in the first place.

"It was a drunk driver." Samuel told him, reaching for his good hand. James closed his eyes, trying to block out the memory of that truck heading toward them. One minute, he and Emilia were having a nice time on his motorcycle. The next, she was dead and he was lying in a hospital bed. He had been messing with the damn stereo just minutes before. He _hated _himself.

"You should be out of here in a week." Brooke told him, stroking his hair. James didn't say anything in response, instead choosing to look at anything but his parents. He wasn't sure if he could handle life without Emilia. She meant the world to him and now she was gone. How would he manage without her?

"You look so tired." Brooke told him. James shrugged, sinking into the pillows. He probably did look like dirt, but he wasn't too concerned at the moment. He could look like he had been living in a dumpster and he wouldn't care. His appearance meant nothing to him anymore. Why should it? Now that he was the "shortest" member of Big Time Rush, he would no longer be the "face" of the band and there would be no reason for him to look any better than anyone else.

"I wanna go home." He told his mom.

"I know, Jay." She told him, stroking his cheek. "And you will."

He sniffled, nodding. His arm was throbbing terribly and his back wasn't feeling so great either, but he was too exhausted to even complain. He just sucked it up, even though he wanted nothing more than to have a nervous breakdown. He couldn't do that, though. Not now anyway.

* * *

"Her poor parents." Camille wiped her eyes, watching Mrs. Laurent sob in her husband's arms while he spoke to her in French. Lucy could only shake her head and walk to James's room to check on him. Everyone else had gone home (or in the case of James's parents, their hotel) to get some sleep, while she and Camille had decided to stay at the hospital with James.

"I don't understand what happened." She said as Camille followed her.

"Some idiot decided to drink and drive." Lucy grumbled, approaching the entrance to James's room. It was almost midnight now and he was fast asleep. She didn't even know if they should go in, for fear of disturbing him. He'd had a _very _rough day and he surely needed to get some rest.

"What a jerk." Camille sounded more bitter than she had ever been before. They were all angry. Not at James, but at the guy that had been stupid enough to get behind the wheel after drinking. He was dead and Lucy felt terrible for the man's family, but it was his fault. HE chose to drink, HE chose to drive, HE killed an innocent young girl and changed another person's life.

"How did he react when he heard about Em?"

"Um," Lucy started. "Kendall said that he was surprisingly quiet about it, didn't really give much of a reaction."

"Poor guy." Camille whispered, touching James's arm. Lucy nodded, watching the sleeping boy. She would never be able to forget what she found during an innocent late night walk. She went out thinking that it would just be a normal night, only to find James being wheeled to an ambulance and Emilia dead.

She wasn't scared of many things, but this was one thing that would always stick with her. She just hoped that she, her friends, Emilia's parents, and most important, James, would eventually be able to move on with their lives.

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**I promise that it's gonna get even better:)**

**Review! :D**


	4. One's Secret, Another's Heartbreak

**In this chapter, you're gonna find out that Emilia had a secret 0.0**

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James was a wreck. Everyone knew that. However, he refused to admit it. Every time someone asked if he was okay, he always denied that he was feeling anything less than that. But Emilia's funeral was in two days, so they all saw through his facade. Who could possibly be okay when their girlfriend was dead and they were gonna be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life?

"Baby, I got something for you." Mama Knight said, handing him a nice leather journal. "I think it'd be a good idea for you to write down your thoughts."

James let his fingers gently brush the material before he opened it. It was incredibly nice of Mama Knight to get him such a gift. Besides, he'd rather write his thoughts down and keep them private, instead of talking out loud. He was just too tired and too hurt to be very open with anyone.

"Now, the doctor has agreed to release you for the funeral tomorrow, then you'll have to return to the hospital."

James bit his bottom lip, blinking back tears. He wasn't sure that he could handle seeing Emilia be put in the ground. Not to mention that her parents would be there and probably hated him now. He was stupid for taking her on that he was suffering the consequences.

"I…" He hesitated. "Can I be alone for a while?"

"Of course." Mama Knight kissed his forehead, then left him alone. Once she was gone, he took the pen and began pouring his emotions onto the page.

_Dear Journal,_

_We all know that Em's death is my fault. Why won't anyone admit it? If I hadn't been so insistent on going out, she would still be alive._

_I cry every single night. Therefore, I don't sleep. It's not just the crying that keeps me awake, though. There's also the nightmares. I have flashbacks about the accident. When I close my eyes, I can almost see it. I can't get it out of my mind. I'm starting to wish thar it had killed me instead. Emilia sure didn't deserve to die._

_But I do._

_James_

His first entry wasn't very long, but it gave a clear idea of how he was feeling. Then he locked the journal and placed it on the end table, along with the pen. Then he stared at his legs, which he could no longer move on his own. He didn't wanna believe that he would never walk again.

"Move!" He whispered.

Nothing.

His legs never moved.

He cursed to himself, sinking back into the pillows. He would really like to get out of this boring room for a bit, but that would mean using his wheelchair for the first time. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to do that. He would have to use the wheelchair tomorrow if he was gonna go to Em's funeral, but he wasn't even sure if he wanted to do _that._

"Ugh, screw this." He grumbled, reaching for his cell phone. Without thinking, he went to look at the many pictures he and Emilia had taken together. The first one was enough to break his heart even further. He and the guys had taken her to the San Diego Zoo for her seventeenth birthday, since she had never been before. In the picture, they were sharing a sweet kiss, with a caged tiger laying behind them.

He quickly turned his phone off and sat it down, grabbing a tissue and wiping away the tears that had begun falling. As soon as he saw the guys coming his way, he hurriedly shoved the tissue under his pillow and nonchalantly stared at the TV screen. That is, until he noticed the troubled looks on their faces.

"Jay, we...we found out something about Em." Logan said, shutting the door.

"She's dead." James said bitterly. "What else is there to know?"

"She was pregnant." Carlos replied softly. "She had just found out a couple of days before the accident."

At that moment, James was completely shattered. In the days before her death, she had been talking about how she couldn't wait to get married and start a family with him, but he had no idea that she was ALREADY expecting their first child. He thought that she trusted him. Why wouldn't she tell him?

"You're lying." He murmured.

"Jay, ask her parents-"

"NO!" James yelled, tears beginning to fall. "NO, I DON'T WANNA TALK TO THEM AND I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU COMING IN HERE AND TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I DIDN'T JUST LOSE MY GIRLFRIEND, BUT OUR CHILD TOO! DON'T EVER SAY THAT!"

As soon as they ran out of the room, he started sobbing, harder than he had done in days. If Emilia had kept her pregnancy from him, who knows what else he didn't know about her? What if she had other secrets? He didn't wanna sound like he was accusing her of anything, but it's hard not to wonder after finding out that she was expecting your child and never told you.

"Em, I loved you." He cried. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He officially felt worse than he ever had. He hadn't just caused one life to end, but _two lives. _He absolutely hated himself.

* * *

"She was what?" Brooke gasped, looking at Mama Knight.

"Yeah, the doctor said that she was exactly five weeks pregnant at the time of her death."

Brooke brought a hand to her mouth, glancing at the door to her son's room. Her precious boy was gonna be a father, but he would never get to meet his flesh and blood. That made the whole situation a thousand times worse.

"The guys told him." Mama Knight informed her. Her eyes filled with tears as she walked over the door, resisting the urge to cry. She was just in shock upon learning that she was suppose to become a grandmother and would never get to see her grandchild. She had to focus on caring for her disabled son, though.

"Apparently, he didn't take it so well."

"Oh my goodness." Brooke whispered, slowly pushing the door open. James was fast asleep under the covers, dressed comfortably in a pair of grey sweatpants and a black South Pole tee shirt, along with his glasses. He still looked like her handsome boy, the only difference being that he could no longer walk.

"Her mom said that she was gonna name the child Juliette Lucille Diamond." Mama Knight said, touching James's hand. Brooke sniffled, stroking James's tearstained cheek. From the looks of it, he had been doing a lot of crying. She could only imagine his reaction when the boys told him that he was gonna be a daddy before the accident took Emilia's life and that of their unborn child. Even worse, Emilia hadn't said a word about it.

"What are we gonna do when he leaves the hospital?" She wondered, running her fingers through her son's hair. "I know he loves being in that band, but it's not like he can dance or anything."

"I think Gustavo and Kelly were gonna stop by later." Mama Knight answered, rubbing James's bicep. Brooke could only sit quietly and try her best to stay calm, even though she wanted nothing more than to break down right there. She couldn't do that, not when James needed so much love and support.

* * *

"When is he gonna wake up?!"

"_Gustavo..."_

Gustavo Rocque growled as Kelly scolded him, looking at 1/4 of Big Time Rush. Ever since he found out about the accident, he had been reluctant to visit. He knew that everyone would be all sad and whatnot, which he didn't handle very well. However, he knew that James was a paraplegic now and they needed to figure out what to do with BTR.

"Jay, buddy, wake up." Samuel said, patting James's shoulder. After a brief moment, he began to stir and, finally, his eyes opened.

Gustavo looked at Kelly, wishing that she would speak up. He didn't know what to say. James could no longer dance or do backflips, so BTR obviously wouldn't be able to continue. Rocque Records would either have to find a hot new band or they would have to shut down. Maybe BTR could be involved with the label in some other way?

"Okay, dogs," He gulped. "With the...situation, I'm afraid that BTR won't be able to continue."

"No." James said abruptly. "BTR _will _continue, just not with me in it."

"James-" Kendall started.

"Enough has changed as it is." James said, his voice low. "I refuse to let you guys give up on the band just because I can't be a part of it. So Big Time Rush will be a trio and I'll...I'll do something else."

"That's actually not a bad idea!" Kelly agreed. "James, maybe you can help Gustavo produce or something."

James nodded, but no smile appeared on his face. Gustavo always kept a tough guy sort of appearance, but this made his usually stern look soften. He always said that he couldn't stand James, but that was never really true. Most may assume that Kendall is his favorite, but he has developed quite a liking for the tallest "dog."

Now he just wanted to make the kid's pain go away. That wasn't his job, though. All he could do is support the boy. The rest was in God's hands.

* * *

**Maybe a Journey update later? ;)**

**Review! :D**


	5. Unbreakable Walls

"Please join us in prayer."

While everyone else bowed their heads, James looked straight ahead, reciting the prayer in his head as the preacher spoke. He kept a blank look on his face, never wanting to show just how badly he was hurting. For the past two days, he had been thinking about the fact that he didn't just kill his girlfriend, but their unborn child as well.

Now here he was, in a wheelchair, at Emilia's funeral. He just wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare. He wanted to be back at the pool with Emilia and stop himself from taking her on that motorcycle. He wished that he hadn't even gotten the thing. Emilia and their child would still be alive if he hadn't.

"You need anything?" His mom whispered, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb. He shook his head, keeping the tears from falling. He didn't know why everyone was showing him any concern after all he had done. Emilia's parents lost a daughter and a grandchild. James didn't deserve to be forgiven for that.

The hardest part of the ceremony was seeing Emilia's casket be put in the ground. He had to close his eyes during that part. His mom held his hand and his dad kept a hand on his shoulder through the whole thing, but it didn't do much to make him feel better. He didn't think he would ever feel better until he and Emilia were together again.

* * *

"She was _pregnant_?" Someone gasped.

James clenched his jaw as he sat in a quiet corner of the room, watching other people socialize and send their condolences to Emilia's parents. He hated this stupid wheelchair that he was sitting in, but he couldn't just get out of it. He had no use of his legs, so it would be impossible. He could certainly wish, though.

He finally couldn't take anymore, so he began wheeling himself toward the exit. It hurt his hands, though, but he didn't openly complain. Just as he approached the door, someone grabbed the handles of his chair.

"Your hands must be sore, right?" Kendall asked.

"I'm fine." James muttered as he was pushed outside. He felt so EMBARRASSED! Everyone else was walking on their own two feet and here he was, having to be pushed around in a wheelchair. It probably made it even more obvious that he was the reason that this funeral was happening in the first place.

"Look, we need to talk." Kendall told him as he sat on a bench, facing James. "You never cry in front of us, you've never once broken down about this whole thing, and that worries me."

James scoffed, shaking his head. Did Kendall really expect him to break down? He was already paralyzed (literally) and he didn't wanna look weaker than he already did. So he refused to cry, especially considering the circumstances. You know, the fact that this whole thing was his fault. He wouldn't break down no matter how badly he wanted to.

"What's so worrisome about it?" He asked as he began wheeling away.

"Jay, I know you're hurting, but you won't admit it!" Kendall insisted, following him.

"I'm _fine_." James said through his teeth, never stopping to rest. He started to cross the road, but Kendall grabbed him before he could. Oh, so he's not even capable of crossing the street by himself? Real freaking nice!

"James, please-"

"Just leave it alone!" He snapped, turning and wheeling himself down the sidewalk. "And don't follow me!"

He moved farther down the sidewalk until he made it to the Palm Woods park, finally stopping behind a large tree. Running a hand through his hair, he struggled to catch his breath, the exertion being too much for a newly paraplegic. His heart was beating rapidly and it took him several minutes to get back to a somewhat normal state.

Then the tears appeared in his eyes and he struggled to keep them in. He took deep breaths to relax, but it only helped a little bit. For the most part, he was just in a lot of emotional pain. He couldn't stop thinking about Emilia and their baby...and the fact that a mother just walked by with her bundle of joy doesn't help either.

Covering his face, he held back his cries. He didn't know what to do. He just wanted to wake up and find out that this never happened, but it's impossible. He would have to live with this for the rest of his life. He would also have his inability to walk as a reminder of his mistake. He truly wished that the accident had taken him instead.

"I just wanna die." He said, looking up at the sky. "Just let me die."

"James! James, where are you? I know you're here!"

He groaned when her heard the worried voices from his parents. He inhaled as he wheeled himself around the tree, revealing himself to the two concerned adults. They had been divorced for years, but they were seemingly a team now that their son was "disabled." God, he hated using that word.

"Baby, you can't just run off like that!" Brooke scolded, cupping her hands over his cheeks.

"I didn't _run _off because, as you can see, I can't." James replied coldly as his dad began pushing him toward the rental van. Brooke didn't even respond to that, which James was quite grateful for. He wasn't in the mood to be lectured or argued with. He was tired, sad, and he was pretty sure that he was getting sick.

"Mom, can I just go back to the hospital?" He finally said as Samuel lifted him into the back seat.

"Are you sure?" Brooke asked, getting in beside him. He nodded, looking out the window. He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone else. He hated laying around in that hospital bed, but it sounded more appealing than being around Emilia's grieving family and friends. Anyway, he only got a temporary release from the hospital so he could attend the funeral, but he was gonna have to stay a few more days until it was decided what he should do next.

"Okay, we'll go back to the hospital." Samuel said as he got behind the wheel. James bit the inside of his cheek and kept the same firm look on his face, keeping his walls up. Those walls would _never _be broken down.

* * *

_Dear Journal, _

_I attended Em's funeral today. It was the worst day of my life. My precious Emilia is laying in a casket underground. I feel so weak, so tired, so guilty. I wish to God that I could make this pain go away, but I just can't do it. I wanna see my Em again, but I'm having to live each day knowing that I'm gonna have to go on without her._

_I hate using this wheelchair. I really do. I wish I could stand up and not need the damn thing, but that's not gonna happen. Nope, I'm apparently stuck like this. Even worse, my parents want me to go to some rehab thing for people with spinal cord injuries. Mom said that it'll help me learn how to be independent again, but I think I can be perfectly independent without rehab. I'm James Diamond and I don't need help. I wish people would get that through their heads._

_Kendall is worried because I haven't cried or "broken down." He and everyone else thinks that it's unhealthy to hold everything in. They really don't get it. I have a million reasons for not crying. One being that I don't wanna feel any weaker and also because I deserve internal suffering for causing this._

_Maybe they'll figure that out eventually._

_James_

James quietly shut the journal, putting it in its usual place. He felt like such a girl for keeping a journal, but his mom believed that it would be good for him. Besides, he kind of enjoyed writing down his thoughts where no one else could read them. He felt like he was actually venting in peace, where no one could lecture him or criticize.

Knock! Knock!

"Come in." He whispered, watching as Jo entered the room. He furrowed his eyebrows, not understanding why Kendall's girlfriend was visiting him. He didn't mind, but he thought that she'd be spending time with her boyfriend. Then again, no one seemed to be in the mood to deal with each other lately.

"I just thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing."

"Um, thanks, but I'm fine." He answered, rubbing the back of his neck. Jo gave him a look and sat beside his bed, crossing her arms. Something told him that she didn't buy it, but that didn't matter because he refused to let her break him. He was strong and he couldn't, and wouldn't, be broken down.

"You and I both know that's not true."

"You think it's not true, but it is." James was starting to get annoyed, but he didn't wanna freak out on Jo. She was a nice and sensitive girl, and he didn't wanna be the jerk that made her cry or something like that. So he kept his thoughts to himself, while silently wishing that she would just leave him alone.

"I guess you wanna be alone."

"Yeah, that would be nice." He responded, closing his eyes. There was no doubt that he was tired and he was certain that it showed. He rarely got sleep since the accident occurred. The nightmares and flashbacks kept him awake most of the time.

"I guess I'll go." Jo told him, slowly getting out of the chair. James shrugged, no longer listening He was much too busy trying to relax and get some rest. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but he was willing to try. He was already stressed and the last thing he needed was exhaustion making it worse.

* * *

**Losing My Mind will be updated tomorrow! :)**

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	6. Anywhere But Here

"Baby, you're going home today." Brooke said gently, touching James's shoulder. The injured boy was laying silently in his bed, dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants and a black Superman tee shirt. It had been three days since Emilia's funeral and he was finally gonna be leaving the hospital, although he wasn't too sure if he was ready to do that yet.

"Are you sure you don't wanna go to a rehab center?"

"No." He answered coldly, looking straight ahead. Brooke already had his wheelchair ready, but he didn't wanna get in it. He didn't wanna be reminded that he had no use of his legs. Getting in that wheelchair would force him to realize that he was no longer able to walk on his own. He didn't need or WANT that.

"Baby, you have to get in." Brooke said gently, stroking his cheek before his dad lifted him off the bed. He tried to fight, but he couldn't. So he was lowered into the wheelchair against his will, clenching his jaw. In an attempt to comfort him, Brooke kissed his cheek, but it didn't do anything to make him feel better.

"You're cold, aren't you?" She asked, grabbing his grey hoodie. He sighed and slipped it on, placing the hood over his head. He felt his heart beating rapidly, but he was just trying to keep calm. He just wasn't ready to unleash his true emotions, especially not when he had done so much damage to so many lives.

"Carlos traded rooms with you so you can be closer to the restroom and the kitchen, and the front door." Brooke told him, pushing him out of the room. Now he had to switch to a different room? What, did they not think he was capable of moving a few extra steps to the restroom or the kitchen?

"Great." He mumbled. He was certain that his parents had absolutely no idea how he was feeling. Sure, they tried to support him, but it didn't really make him feel any better. Besides, it was weird seeing them actually get along when they weren't even together. They divorced when he was ten and they hadn't exactly had the best relationship since then.

"We got you a comfy new mattress too." His mom informed him. He murmured a quiet "thanks" but mostly stayed silent.

Getting in the rental van was a pain in the ass for him, but he managed. Then he just sat quietly for the rest of the ride back to the Palm Woods, dreading the minute that he would have to face the residents. The whole world knew about his accident, but he wasn't sure if they knew that he had lost his ability to walk...

"Okay, we're here." Samuel said, opening the door and carefully pulling him from the back seat.

"Great." James said softly as he was situated into his wheelchair. Taking a deep breath, he allowed his dad to push him toward the lobby, where he was greeted with stares and whispers. He almost wanted to scream at them to stop, but he couldn't find the words. He just didn't have the strength.

"I'm sure everyone will be so happy to see you." Mom smiled as we entered the elevator. Yeah, he was sure they'd be _thrilled. _Who wants to babysit a kid in a wheelchair all the time? James knew he wouldn't!

"Great." He grumbled. "Just great."

* * *

"Is everything ready, you guys?" Mama Knight asked.

"Yeah, everything's ready." Kendall nodded, sitting a plate of dinosaur chicken nuggets on the dining table. Minutes later, James was wheeled him into the apartment. Kendall's heart sunk upon seeing his most likely broken best friend. He knew that James wasn't taking Emilia and the baby's death so well, but James refused to admit that he was hurting!

"Hey, we have chicken nuggets!" Carlos said, attempting to sound cheerful. Logan nodded eagerly in agreement, but Kendall could easily see that neither one of them was genuinely happy. Hey, he wasn't happy either. His closest friend was a mess and there was nothing that he could do about it.

"Awesome." James said as he was pushed over to the table. They watched as he grabbed a nugget and ate it, although not with the same enthusiasm that he use to. Then Kendall noticed Katie standing in the doorway of her and Mama Knight's room, watching them with fear in her eyes. Just as Kendall was gonna go comfort her, she hurriedly shut the door.

"You happy to be home?" Logan asked James.

"Um...yeah, yeah, I am."

He was obviously lying. They all knew him far too well to believe that he was honestly happy right now. Kendall could see the pain in his eyes. Now, was he ever gonna admit that he was falling apart inside? Or was he gonna keep pretending that he was okay? Kendall would prefer if he didn't do that.

"Um, listen, I'm really tired so I think I'm gonna lay down for a nap." James said, backing away from the table and wheeling himself toward the bedroom he now shared with Logan. Occasionally, he would stop, most likely due to his hands being sore, but he eventually made it inside the room and he shut the door.

* * *

Katie usually avoided sad situations like this, but she couldn't avoid James. He was like a second brother to her and she wanted to make sure that he was okay. So when no one was looking, she hurried to his and Logan's room, reluctantly pushing it open. James was just sitting in his wheelchair, probably trying to figure out how to get onto the bed by himself.

"You need help." She said, reaching for him.

"Katie, I'm pretty sure you're not strong enough to lift me up."

"That's why you're gonna have to help me out, asshole." She retorted, grabbing him. With both of their strength combined, she was able to pull him from the wheelchair to the bed. Then she tucked him in, making sure that he was comfortable. Considering the fact that she was only a little more than eleven years old, she felt a bit awkward, but she would do pretty much anything for James.

"Are you okay?" She whispered, touching his shoulder.

"Yeah, Katie, I'm fine."

"You are such a liar." She groaned, covering her face. She rolled her eyes as James scoffed and turned onto his side so that he was facing the wall. She wasn't gonna FORCE him to talk, but she really wished that he would open up. She would listen to him if he needed her to. She could be mischievous and not-so-nice sometimes, but she'd gladly listen to someone she cares about.

"Look, can you leave me alone for now? I'm really tired."

"Fine." She muttered, getting up and walking to the door. For a moment, she stood there and looked at him, her heart breaking. She wasn't sure if he was blaming himself for the accident or if he was just really tired, but she wanted so badly to know the truth. She just wasn't sure if forcing him to talk would be the right thing to do.

"Katie, please just leave."

"Fine." She turned and walked out of the room, quietly shutting the door.

* * *

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	7. Not Getting Use To This

**This chapter's kind of a filler, I guess, because not much happens:P However, the next chapters are gonna be VERY INTERESTING;)**

* * *

"Aren't you gonna eat, buddy?" Kendall frowned, watching as James simply pushed his food around the plate. He wasn't in the mood to eat. He just wanted to lay down and hopefully not wake up. He couldn't even sit at the dining room table in a chair because he already had his wheelchair, which was pissing him off.

"I'm not hungry." He replied, his eyes narrowed. Everyone was being so delicate around him and it made him sick. Even Carlos was being gentle with him and Carlos wasn't exactly a gentle person. James just wanted things to go back to the way they were, but that clearly isn't gonna happen. He was doomed to this wheelchair and he could either deal with it or roll himself off a building and hope that it would kill him.

"Baby, you really should eat something." Mama Knight said gently. James shook his head, backing away from the dining table. He hated being such a downer, but he just...he wasn't in the mood. He wanted to be alone and that's what he was gonna do. Luckily, no one protested when he disappeared into his and Logan's bedroom, and shutting the door with some difficulty.

He took a deep breath as he wheeled himself over to the desk, knowing that getting from his wheelchair to the desk chair was gonna be a major pain in the ass. He wasn't one to give up, though. So he positioned himself properly and began using his arms to move himself, but he proved to be more difficult than he expected. Every time he pushed himself up, he fell right back down.

He cursed angrily, slamming his hand down on the desk. He just wanted to surf the internet and get his mind off of things, but he couldn't do that until he was sitting IN FRONT of the computer.

"Jay? You okay?" Logan asked, peeking into the room.

"I'm fine." James sat impatiently, his hardened expression never disappearing. He wished that Logan would just go back to the dining area and leave him to handle himself, but he somehow got the feeling that this wouldn't be happening. With him being "disabled" and all, they'd probably never give him a break.

"Look, you clearly need help so you're getting it whether you want it or not." Logan said, approaching the injured boy. James huffed as he was assisted in getting out of his wheelchair, his legs dangling underneath him. He clenched his jaw as he was lowered into the desk chair, relieved when Logan simply patted his shoulder and left the room.

He tried everything to get his mind off his troubles, including playing some fun online games, but nothing helped. Before he knew it, he was logging onto Facebook and clicking into one of the photo albums that he had created. It was full of pictures of him and Emilia, pictures that meant the world to him.

One photo in particular completely broke his heart. It was taken when they went to the beach with the guys, Jo, Lucy, Camille, and Stephanie. Jo happily agreed to take a picture of them in the middle of a sweet kiss, and that just killed KJ. Just knowing that he would never get to kiss her again.

"Em, I'm so sorry." He whispered, his voice breaking. He buried his face in his arms, tears beginning to fall down his face. Soon, he was sobbing and...and he didn't even care.

* * *

"Lucy, are you seriously gonna drink because of this?" Jo frowned, watching as Lucy paced around the living room while drinking from a bottle of whiskey. She gave Jo a deadpan expression, plopping down on the couch. How could she _not _drink? She saw the scene of the accident and she saw her best friend's dead body. What did Jo expect her to do?

"Look, we're all sad that Em's gone but drinking isn't gonna solve anything."

"You never know." Lucy mumbled, taking another swig of the liquid. She knew that Jo wouldn't understand. Who _would _understand why she was doing this? She was normally a really tough girl that could handle pretty much anything thrown her way, but this was not one of those things. She was pretty sure that she was scarred for life.

"Look, stop this, please?" Jo gently removed the bottle from Lucy's hands, sitting it on the coffee table. The dark haired girl huffed, laying down and burying her face in a pillow. She wasn't sure what to do. She was conflicted between continuing to drink the horrid memory away...or just being there for James. After all, he was going through some major life changes and he just needed someone.

"Come on, let's just...let's go see how James is doing." Jo suggests, pulling her off the couch. She mumbled as she was led toward the door. She kept her arm around Jo's shoulders because she was paranoid that she might end up falling on her ass. She wasn't in the mood to get any bruises.

"Can you walk by yourself?"

"Sure, but I'm not going to." Lucy retorted as they hobbled toward the elevator. Once they were inside, she leaned against the wall and watched as Jo pressed the second floor button. She took a deep breath, waiting quite impatiently for the elevator to arrive at the correct floor.

"I'm gonna end up punching a wall." She groaned, covering her face.

"Yeah, don't do that."

"Why shouldn't?"

"Uh, just because..."

Lucy didn't respond anymore after that. She just kept her focus on holding back the tears that kept threatening to fall.

* * *

"Maybe he needs counseling..." Mama Knight said to Brooke over the phone. She looked over at the door to James and Logan's room, sadness filling her eyes. Just as she was gonna go to check on him, someone knocked on the door. "Um, Brooke, I'm gonna have to call you back." After she hung up, she walked to the door and opened it, surprised to find Jo and Lucy, who appeared to be drunk.

"Alright, where is he?" Lucy mumbled, stumbling into the apartment.

"What's with her?" Kendall asked, kissing Jo's cheek.

"What do you think?" Jo muttered, watching as Lucy approached James and Logan's bedroom door. Mama Knight frowned as she followed the girl, wanting to see James as well. He hadn't left the room in three hours and this bothered her deeply. She wished that he'd come out and spend time with them, but he probably wasn't in the mood for her.

"Heyyy, Jamesybear!" Lucy slurred. James had apparently fallen asleep at the desk, but he was awakened by Lucy's very loud greeting. It took no time for Mama Knight to figure out that he had _cried _himself to sleep. Her heart nearly shattered upon seeing his tearstained face, but she didn't dare ask him about it.

"Hi, James." Lucy said, throwing her arms around him. He shrugged in response, leaning against her. Why was he acting like he felt absolutely nothing? You see, this EXACTLY why Mama Knight feels that he should see a therapist. He was completely pushing his emotions aside and that couldn't be healthy.

"James, honey," She said, touching his shoulder. "I'm gonna make you an appointment with a counselor, okay. Your parents and I both think it would be good for you."

"Go ahead and make the appointment." James said, crossing his arms. "Just don't expect me to tell them anything."

Mama Knight strokes his hair, knowing that he was just really angry at the world. Whenever he snapped at one of them, he wasn't really mad at them. He was just lost and afraid, and he was taking it out on anyone and everyone that would listen. As much as it hurt to see him like this, Mama Knight accepted it because she knew that he needed to get his anger out.

"I promise, baby, this will be a good thing." She told him, kissing the top of his head.

"Uh huh," James answered flatly. "That's what you think."

* * *

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	8. Affected

**So I'm quite proud of this chapter:) Not much happens, but it continues to show how the accident has affected James, and Lucy as well. It also shows everyone's desire to see James recover and how powerless they feel to help him:)**

**The next chapter is when it'll begin to get interesting;)**

* * *

"So sad."

"She was really pregnant?"

"Yeah!"

James hated how people were always gossiping about the accident. Even at a counseling office, they were talking about it. You'd think that topics like that would be kept away from places where there were people trying to overcome "issues." That stuff could cause a person to have a nervous breakdown, like James really felt like doing.

"This is gonna be good for you." Brooke said, kneeling in front of him. He kept his head down as she stroked his cheeks, wanting nothing more than to go home. He didn't _want _to see a counselor. He didn't _need _to see a counselor. Why did he have to be forced to talk to a complete stranger about his newfound immobility and the loss of his girlfriend and child?

"James?"

He looked toward the door leading to the offices, eyeing the young woman carefully. She had to be somewhere in her late early 30s. She looked pretty friendly and warm, but he still wasn't sure about talking to her. But he did decide to cooperate and follow her through the door and down the hall to her office.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Sarah Buchanan, but you can just call me Sarah." She said, shutting the door. James frowned, crossing his arms. Sure, she was pleasant, but his opinion wouldn't change. He DID NOT want to be here. The accident had happened just a couple weeks ago and he was far from being ready to discuss what happened.

"How have you been?"

"What do you think?" James retorted.

"James," Sarah sighed. "Your mom told me about what happened and I know how hard that must have been on you. It'll be hard for you to make a full recovery if you don't talk about it..."

"My girlfriend and my _child _are dead." James interrupted. He gulped, truly not wanting to cry. "She...she never even told me that she was pregnant, and I had to be stupid and...and take her on the m-motorcycle."

"It's not your fault that this happened."

"Oh, like you know." James muttered, wheeling himself toward the door. He wasn't in the mood to be told "oh, it's not your fault" and "oh, you had no control over this." Uh, yeah, he did. He could have avoided taking Emilia on that motorcycle, but he didn't. He convinced her to go for a ride with him and now she was gone. It WAS his fault.

"James? Honey, you still have thirty minutes." Brooke frowned as James returned to the waiting area.

"Just pay for the session." He whispered. "We're going home."

* * *

"You're not serious."

"Uh, yeah I am." Lucy argued, lighting a cigarette. For whatever reason, she, Kendall, and their friends had decided to hang out on the roof of the Palm Woods. You could pretty much do anything up there and not get caught. That's why a lot of people drank and smoked up here, because it was unlikely that anyone would catch them.

"Lucy, you're turning to drinking and drugs because of what you saw?" Kendall asked her.

"A cigarette's not a drug." Lucy replied, inhaling and exhaling the smoke. Kendall scoffed, shaking his head. Lucy only leaned against the wall and watched as Carlos, Logan, Jo, Camille, and Stephanie sat in a circle, playing some card game. She would join them, but she wasn't really in a social mood.

"I beg to differ."

"Not a drug." Lucy sang, holding the cigarette between her fingers. Ever since witnessing the accident, she had been changing, probably for the worse. She knew that, but she needed some way to forget about seeing one friend dead and another lying injured on the concrete. It was just one of those images that was permanently etched into her brain.

"You know you're suppose to be recording a duet with us soon, right?" Kendall reminded her. "Do you really wanna jack up your voice?"

Lucy only gave him a sarcastic look in response, turning and walking toward the elevator. She was hardly in the mood to be criticized for her personal choices. Okay, maybe smoking was unhealthy, but she wasn't at a point in her life where she really cared. Kendall had no idea what she been through in those past two weeks, so who was he to judge?

"Okay, nice talking to you!"

"Whatever!" She replied as the elevator doors shut. She could spend all day arguing with him, but she wasn't gonna do it. She had better things to do, like waiting for James to get back from his counseling appointment. She kind of felt like she needed to be there for him, since she had witnessed the day his life changed.

When she got to the lobby, she found that James had already returned. He was getting a snack from the machine, but Lucy mostly paid attention to the fact that he was sitting in a wheelchair. She couldn't believe that he no longer had use of his legs.

"Ugh, damn machine won't work." He grumbled. She walked over to him and gave the machine a hard kick, which caused a pack of Fruit Smackers to fall down. She reached in the compartment and grabbed the pack of fruit snacks, handing them to James.

"Enjoy those." She said with a smile.

"Um, thanks," James replied. "I will."

"So why aren't you at your appointment?"

"I went, but I left early."

Lucy frowned, leaning against the wall. She wasn't sure if she wanted to ask WHY he had left the appointment early, but maybe she could find another way to coax him into telling her. She was just a naturally curious person, so could she really be blamed for wanting to know?

"Oh...um, okay..."

"No offense, but I really don't want anyone in my business right now." James told her, turning and wheeling away. She tilted her head, very confused by his change in personality. To be truthful, she wasn't sure if she liked it.

* * *

"He left?"

"Yeah, he didn't feel comfortable talking about the accident yet." Brooke told her husband, turning just as James reentered 2J. At that same moment, Mama Knight left the bathroom, smiling warmly at James.

"Hi, baby!" She said, giving him a gentle hug.

"Hey." James murmured, wheeling himself into the living area. With some difficulty, he managed to get from his wheelchair onto the couch, without any help from anyone. Brooke, Samuel, and Mama Knight tried to resist staring at him, but it was hard not to be concerned. Not just about his physical wellbeing, but his emotional health as well. They all knew that he wasn't doing well, but none of them knew what to do about it.

"Mom, have James and-" Kendall started, but he stopped when he noticed the disabled boy lying on the couch with a pack of Fruit Smackers. "Hey, buddy, you doing okay?"

"I'm _fine_." James answered. Brooke flinched at the obvious annoyance in her son's voice, glancing at her ex-husband. The two of them had been spending more time together since James's accident, but she highly doubted that they would reconcile. They had both moved on a long time ago, but they were on a friendly basis for their son's sake.

"I wish he'd smile again." Carlos said, resting his head on Mama Knight's shoulder.

"We all want that, honey."

"Yeah." Logan agreed. "But we'll just have to be there for him and hope that he'll recover."

Brooke nodded, looking over at James. It didn't seem like he was any closer to making a full recovery, but there was always hope. She strongly believed in hanging onto hope, no matter how bad things seemed. She really felt like James would get through this. He just needed plenty of love and support from his family and friends.

"Hey, is Gustavo gonna want you guys back in the studio soon?" Samuel asked the boys.

"In a couple days, I think." Kendall answered, sitting by James.

"You know, I think it'll be good for you boys." Brooke told them, walking over to the couch. She stroked James's hair, wishing that he'd acknowledge her. He never did. He just laid quietly, eating and watching TV. Sure, everyone did that, but that seemed to be all he ever did anymore. He never seemed interested in anything else.

They just needed to be there for him. Yeah, that's all they needed to do. That's...that's all they _could _do.

* * *

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	9. Crazy Or Not

**Since I finished this chapter first, Losing My Mind will either still be updated tonight or it'll be updated tomorrow:)**

* * *

"Are you gonna get in the booth or not?!"

"No!" James snapped at his boss. For the first time since the accident, he was at Rocque Records, only this time was different because he really didn't wanna be there. What was the point? He couldn't dance, so it wasn't like he could go onstage and run around like he use to. Therefore, he saw no point of wheeling his ass into that recording booth.

"Ja-" Kendall started.

"I'm _leaving_." James answered coldly, turning and wheeling himself out of the studio. He didn't even care if he got fired. At this point in time, he didn't care about anything except the fact that he no longer had the love of his life with him. This was his first committed relationship and he honestly could have seen himself marrying her. Hard to believe, but true.

He had a hard time getting the exit door open, but when he did, he headed straight down the wheelchair ramp. He could see a photographer lurking nearby, but he wasn't really focused on that. Let the bastard take pictures of him. Nothing he did could possibly be interesting enough, especially since he couldn't walk.

He ended up wheeling himself across the road to The Coffee House, a little cafe across from Rocque Records. It was a frequent hangout for the boys and it was one of James's favorite places to get peace and quiet.

"Hi, welcome to The Coffee House!" A perky waitress said.

"Hi...um, I'm gonna use your restroom." James said, and the waitress gave him two thumbs up in response. He was relieved when he saw that the mens restroom was completely empty. He wheeled himself over to a full length mirror, frowning. Lately, his figure had also been a concern. Since he couldn't get up and go jogging or anything, he was gonna have a hard time staying in shape. This kind of scared him.

He thought back to his younger years, cringing. Throughout elementary and junior high, he had been a chubby child, frequently made fun of by his peers. Then he lost the weight and suddenly he was popular and girls actually wanted to date him. The thought of going back to that awkward phase in his life terrified him!

"You know, you should really try to not concern yourself with your appearance so much."

He gasped, looking around the restroom. He couldn't see anyone, yet he heard a voice speaking to him. He was beginning to get quite scared, but he didn't wanna make it too obvious. So he sat, anxiously waiting for his obvious hallucinating to go away.

"I'm not a hallucination, Jay! I'm a ghost..."

He gulped, slowly turning his wheelchair around. He was shocked to find a ghostly version of Emilia standing there. His eyes widened, but he suddenly found himself unable to leave. He had to be hallucinating! He...he didn't even believe in ghosts. So why was one standing in front of him at this moment?

"You're not real." He said, shaking his head. "I-I'm going i-insane. I m-must be..."

"Maybe so or I might be more real than you think."

"STOP LYING TO ME!" James barked, scaring the living daylights out of an older man that just entered the room. In an instant, Emilia's "ghost" was gone and KJ was exiting the restaurant. He didn't go back to Rocque Records, though. No way was he gonna go back there, not right now. He was gonna find another place to hang out so he could clear his head.

It's only a minute or two later before he discovers a promising hiding place. It appears to be an old store or something that was closed down. It didn't have a very good quality lock on it. It didn't take him too long to get the door open. Then he goes inside, relieved at the sight of the empty and obviously abandoned old room.

"You're losing it." He whispered, running his hands through his hair. Once he was slightly calm, he wheeled himself to a room in the back, shutting the door. He was _not _seeing Emilia's ghost. He wasn't. He refused to believe it. He must have been going crazy because there was no way that his girlfriend's ghost was real.

"You've gotta let it out, Jay. If you don't, you're gonna end up explaining-"

"GO AWAY!" He yelled. Once again, the figure disappeared. Even when he calmed down, he was still shaking. He just couldn't believe what he was seeing. He must have been going insane. That had to be the explanation.

He hardly expected what came next. Finally, he broke down, thankfully where no one could see him.

* * *

"GO FIND HIM!" Gustavo shrieked, chasing after the remaining BTR boys. In a panic, they hurried out of the studio in search of their friend. They have no idea where a paraplegic could have gone, but probably not too far. A kid that has no use of his legs couldn't possible get any farther than a few miles down the street.

"Why the hell would he leave like this?" Logan grumbled as they frantically searched the somewhat busy street. Then he got an idea. In a hurry, he and his bandmates ran across the street to the Coffee House. Recently, they befriended a waitress named Vanessa and she always seemed ready to help them.

She was washing a table at the moment, her newly blue hair pulled into a ponytail. It seemed like the girl was always changing up her hair. So far, she has had brown hair, blond hair, blond with turquoise streaks, and now blue. She had a few tattoos as well, including Stay Strong on her wrists, some birds on her right arm, and "Now I'm A Warrior" on her left shoulder.

"Vanessa-"

"Okay, where the hell is James? He's always with you guys-" She interrupted Logan's near-rant.

"That's the problem, we don't know." Kendall said firmly, clinging to her arm. Vanessa inhaled, smacking her hands to her face. Logan fidgeted anxiously, glancing at Carlos. Was Vanessa gonna tell them if she had any idea about James's location or not? He was confined to a wheelchair and it wouldn't be a good idea for him to be out alone.

"I think I saw him go that way." She answered, pointing to her left. "You might wanna check that old abandoned store down the street. A lot of people go there when they wanna be alone."

"Thanks, Nessa!" Carlos said, kissing her cheek before they all hurry out of the coffee shop. No, they weren't dating, but Carlos did have a crush on her. Then again, he had a crush on a lot of girls. The Jennifers, Lucy, Demi Lovato, Vanessa...he had a obsession with girls.

"You think he could be here?" Logan wondered as they approached the abandoned store. The door barely shut and they could see a light coming from a back room. Sure enough, when they walked in, James was sitting in his wheelchair, looking quite scared for some reason. Had someone done something to harm him?

"Jay," Kendall whispered, reaching for the boy's shoulder. Something was wrong. They could all feel it.

"Please...don't...touch me."

Slowly, Kendall pulled his hand away, looking at Carlos and Logan. James looked like he had seen a ghost and the worst part was that he wouldn't even tell them why. What had happened that had frightened him so much?

"Come on." Logan said, grabbing the handles of his wheelchair. "Let's go home."

* * *

"Do you think Big Time Rush will continue?" Katie's friend Ella asked her.

"I have no idea." Katie shrugged, flipping through her scrapbook. "Lately it seems like none of them are that into it anymore, especially James."

"Hold up, wasn't James the one that wanted to do this in the first place?"

"Yeah, but ever since the accident, I think he's just...I dunno." Katie shrugged, sitting the scrapbook aside. She was glad that her mom had let her have a friend over. She had been throwing herself into her social life ever since the accident. She hung out at other homes, went on best friend outings, anything to keep her mind off of everything.

"Vanessa thinks that Big Time Rush is Big Time Done." Vanessa was Ella's older sister who the guys had met at The Coffee House. That's how Katie had met Ella and the two girls had become very close. Katie never was that interested in having a social life like her peers, but she found Ella pleasant to talk to.

"Wow, way to be supportive." She said sarcastically.

"Vanessa's not a total bitch or anything, just realistic." Ella insisted. Katie shrugged again, falling back on the mattress.

"Katie, we're back! Is mom home?"

"Um, she went to the store!" Katie replied, getting up and leaving her bedroom. "You guys are home early..."

"James didn't really feel like recording today." Carlos said, and they all watched as James silently wheeled himself to his and Logan's bedroom. That's when Katie began to wonder: Is Big Time Rush headed for a breakup?

* * *

**As you can tell, I love adding original characters to my BTR fanfics:P Can you guess who Vanessa's celeb lookalike is? ;)**  
**Review! :D**


	10. Distracted

**So sorry that I haven't updated in a couple days! I've been busy:P**

* * *

Sometimes things happen when you least expect them to. You could be going about your day like always and BOOM! something goes wrong. James hated that fact. If his life was suppose to become a complete mess, he would have appreciated a little warning. Of course, if he had known, he would have done everything he could to prevent it from happening in the first place.

On a rainy day at The Coffee House, he didn't really do a lot of eating, just sitting and surfing the internet on his laptop. He was too depressed to eat, so he was wasting his time looking up pictures from before the accident. There are a bunch of the band on some Big Time Rush fan site, some that include him and Emilia.

"Maybe you should eat something? You're looking a little on the thin side..."

That was Vanessa acknowledging him. He _could _respond to her suggestion, but he merely kept typing away on the keyboard. Even when he heard an exasperated sigh from the blue haired waitress. He just sat quietly, ignoring her until she closed his laptop FOR HIM. Then he looked at her with annoyance, crossing his arms.

"EAT." She said firmly, sitting the pumpkin pie in front of him. He sighed, reaching for a fork. With a sarcastic smile, he took a bite, rolling his eyes at the proud look she had on her face. She seemed please with herself and he had no idea why. The way he saw it, there was nothing to be pleased about. He was in an awful mood and he was being interrupted by HER.

"The guys are worried, you know."

"Maybe so." James shrugged. "Your point?"

"Maybe you should try to cheer up? So you DON'T worry them so much?"

James started to respond...until he saw the same figure he had seen only days before. It was Emilia's ghost again, standing next to the door. She was wearing a solid white dress, her dark hair wavy and beautiful as it was when she was alive. James huffed, watching her, wondering why she was bothering him.

"Dude, what the hell are you looking at?"

"N-nothing."

"That's bullshit." Vanessa whispered, patting his hand. He glared at her, sitting back and crossing his arms. Was she serious? If he said it was nothing, then it was nothing! He wished that Vanessa would just leave it alone. He was in no mood to deal with someone pestering him. That's why he tried to finish the pie as fast as he could.

"In a hurry, dude?"

"Actually, yes, I am." James muttered, wheeling himself away from the table. To his relief, Vanessa didn't follow him. He wheeled himself toward the door, feeling the ghost's eyes on him. He knew his grief must have been making him a little crazy, but it didn't make the sight of his dead girlfriend's ghost any less scary.

It became even more frightening when he saw her holding a tiny baby in her arms. A...a baby girl. A beautiful, perfect baby girl. Did that mean that their unborn child had been a girl? Oh my god...

In a panic, he texted Kendall to pick him up. He didn't wanna go anywhere else, just home. That was all he wanted to do. He wanted to go home, hide in his room, and never come out. He was just...he was just tired. Maybe some rest would make the weird hallucinations go away. That is, if they were JUST hallucinations...

* * *

"Jay, you NEED to tell us what's going on." Kendall said as he pushed James into the Palm Woods lobby. James didn't know why Kendall was nagging him, but he didn't like it. He would really appreciate if his friend left him alone, but knowing Kendall, that wouldn't be happening. Kendall Knight was a very persistent person. When he wanted something, he NEVER gave up.

"_Please_ leave it alone." He pleaded as they waited for the elevator.

"Nope, we're gonna talk about this." Kendall said as they finally entered, pressing the second floor button. James rolled his eyes, trying to keep as calm as he could. Kendall was like a brother to him and he truly admired the guy, but the lack of respect for his privacy just aggravated him. Would it really kill the guy to back off?

"C'mon," Kendall said, finally pushing him out of the elevator. "We're gonna have a nice little discussion. Everything will be fine."

_Liar!_

* * *

"This is ridiculous!"

"Honey, we're just worried about you." Mama Knight said, touching his hand. He said nothing, sitting silently at the dining table. He felt like he was being interrogated, but no one seemed to care about how they were making him feel. His feelings _never _seemed to matter anymore and that really pissed him off.

"Now, tell me," Mama Knight insisted gently. "What's been going on?"

James inhaled as he thought about the strange things he had been seeing, specifically Emilia's ghost and that of their child. He had a feeling that it was most likely in his mind, but another part of him thought that it just might be real. The thing is, he didn't know. He didn't know if what he was seeing was real or a hallucination.

"I've..."

"You've been what?" Mama Knight stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes, thinking back to earlier. You know, when he saw Emilia and that baby girl. She was holding it like any mother would. He was amazed that he hadn't broke down in the cafe. He had come close to a breakdown numerous times, but he hadn't quite reached that point yet.

"I _r-really _don't feel like doing this right now." He whispered, pulling away from the table. He could feel all eyes on him, but he would soon be in the safety of his and Logan's room. Finally, he got there and he shut the door, slowly beginning to relax. He took deep breaths, wheeling himself over to the bed.

"You look tired."

He gasped when he saw Emilia again, watching as she pulled the sheets back. He whimpered as she began helping him into the bed, hardly understanding what was happening. This didn't seem right at all, but at the same time, it did. He had missed Emilia so badly, but he was still able to have these interactions with her...was that a good or bad thing?

"W-what are y-you d-doing here?" He stuttered, looking up at her.

"You're not ready to let go of me yet." Emilia said, touching his face with a cold, ghostly hand. "I'll be with you until you are ready. Don't worry..."

"E-em-" James said, tears filling his eyes as he disappeared. He tried his best not to cry, staring up at the ceiling. He didn't understand this situation at all. Emilia was dead, yet she...she was with him. Was Emilia trying to help him move on? Or was she haunting him for taking her future away from her?

"Em," He breathed. "Please...please explain what you want...I'll do anything for you, baby girl."

"James? Who are you talking to?" Logan asked, peeking into the room. James tried hard not to fidget. After all, he didn't want anyone suspecting a thing. He really, really didn't.

"N-no one." He lied. "Absolutely no one."

* * *

**Losing My Mind will be updated tomorrow:) **

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	11. Out Of Control

**Here you go, lovely readers! And a new chapter of Losing My Mind will be up later tomorrow:) School has made my update schedule kind of weird:P**

* * *

"Something is WRONG with him." Kendall insisted.

Meanwhile, James sat alone in his and Logan's bedroom, hearing the conversation very clearly. No, there was certainly _not _anything wrong with him. Was his best friend implying that he's crazy or something? James truly did not believe that he had any sort of psychological problem. He was grieving the death of his girlfriend and unborn child, and the loss of his mobility.

Sure, he had lost a significant amount of weight, had become quite pale in the face and much more tired looking, and he had withdrawn quite a lot, but that didn't mean anything was _wrong._ He was grieving, that's all. He didn't need anyone accusing him of having nonexistent psychological problems.

"Seriously, he has a major problem! Have you seen him lately?"

"Hon, he's grieving-"

"So are Emilia's parents, but they're not acting like this!"

James clenched his fists, trying to keep his anger under control. He wasn't sure if he should interrupt the discussion or keep his mouth shut, but both options sounded very tempting. He honestly wanted to wheel himself into the living room and tell them to shut the hell up, but he didn't think that would be the best idea.

He needed some kind of relief, though. Maybe Logan's Xanax? The kid had no idea that James was aware of his past issues with depression, but it was true. James had been looking for something once and happened to come across the Xanax. He didn't say anything because he knew it was probably a really personal thing.

"Xanax..." He breathed, wheeling himself over to Logan's bedside table. He sighed when he saw a full bottle of pills laying in the drawer, waiting to be swallowed. James was a bit reluctant because deep down he knew that what he was about to do was risky, but he was at a point where he just didn't care.

So he poured one into his hand, closing the bottle and putting it away before swallowing the pill. He began to feel its effect only a few minutes later and he _liked _the relief that it brought him. He just hoped that no one would find out that he had taken one. That was a secret that needed to be kept to himself.

"Jay? Can we talk to you?"

"Why?" He replied to Kendall's question.

"Come on, we just wanna talk." The blond peeked his head into the room, where James had managed to get himself from the wheelchair onto his bed. He felt genuinely good and he didn't want his relaxation to be interrupted. "You alright?"

"Yep." James answered as Kendall helped him back into his wheelchair. This time, he only felt slightly annoyed, which was unusual. Normally, he was extra irritated most of the time, but that Xanax pill had really soothed him. There was a part of him that felt guilty for taking it, though.

"Come on." Kendall pushed him toward the living room, where Mama Knight and the other guys were waiting. He could practically feel the awkward, but he couldn't feel too nervous due to the medication he had taken. It was Logan's medicine and he probably had no business touching it, but he was feeling too good to care.

"Are you gonna tell me why you wanna talk?" He asked, rolling his eyes.

"Baby," Mama Knight said gently, sitting in front of him. "We're all _very _worried about you. You look so tired and you've been so jumpy and withdrawn lately."

"I'm _fine_." He insisted, rubbing the back of his neck. Sure, he felt normal at the moment, but he knew he really wasn't fine. He just couldn't bring himself to admit it. He didn't want anyone pestering him and acting so concerned all the time. It made him terribly uncomfortable, you know?

"Jay, you're not fine." Logan scoffed, crossing his arms.

"And how would _you _know?" James retorted.

"Just because!" Logan snapped. James merely snickered, shaking his head. This was ridiculous. You know, to accuse him of having a problem that he doesn't have. He wasn't crazy, he wasn't depressed, he was grieving just like Mama Knight and Carlos have said in his defense. That was all, right?

"You know, I don't appreciate these accusations." He finally said. "They're _silly_. Now, can I be dismissed?"

"Um," Mama Knight hesitated. "Sure."

"Thank you." James murmured, turning his wheelchair around. Without another word, he wheeled himself back to his room, back to his peaceful place. That was all he wanted and that was what he intended to do.

* * *

"Get back here!" A tall, dark, tattooed man screamed.

"You're not the boss of me!" Lucy yelled back. Kendall and Jo arrived at the Palm Woods park just as this was occurring and it made him question Lucy's stability just like he was questioning James's. He instantly shared a concerned look with his girlfriend, wondering what his friend and almost-girlfriend was doing.

"Get over here, you sorry piece of trash-" Jo's jaw dropped as the man grabbed Lucy's arm and yanked her back. Was this jerk Lucy's boyfriend? If so, Kendall would be truly appalled. Lucy deserved way better than what this guy seemed to be giving her. She deserved a guy that would actually treat her right.

"Just-leave me-alone!" Lucy struggled to pull away, but she finally got free, giving the guy a kick to the groin before storming off.

"Um, I'll be right back." Kendall told Jo before hurrying after their friend. He found her underneath a pavilion with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. For a moment, he just watched her light up, in disbelief over hers and James's obvious downward spirals. He wished that he could help them, but neither seemed to believe they had problems.

"You really should stop that." He suggested, walking closer. "It can really damage your lungs."

"I know." Lucy shrugged, inhaling smoke before exhaling it. Kendall cringed at the smell, having always disliked it. His uncle smoked and it was a terrible scent. Really, he didn't understand who could stand to put that garbage in their bodies. He honestly believed that Lucy was better than that.

"Who was that guy you were with?"

"Greg." Lucy said nonchalantly. "Why?"

"He wasn't being very kind to you."

"Your point?"

"Lucy, what is the matter with you? James is losing his mind and you're making all these stupid decisions. I just...I don't get it."

"Well, I'll help you get it." Lucy told him. "I saw Emilia's dead body, I saw the scene of the accident that killed her, I saw James laying on the concrete, unable to move. How would you handle something like that?"

Kendall looked down at the ground, unsure of what to say. He could see why that would bother someone, but the way Lucy was handling it wasn't good at all. What she should do is see a counselor, like they were trying to convince James to do. He wasn't sure if he should bother suggesting it, though, because he had a feeling that Lucy wouldn't take his advice anyway. If James wasn't listening, why would she?

"Just...just be careful, okay?" He pleaded.

"I will." Lucy shrugged. "Don't worry so much."

"I-"

"Kendall, you coming?" Jo called, holding the lovely picnic basket that she had made for their date. Kendall nodded, giving Lucy one last concerned look before hurrying after his girlfriend. He ignored her concerned look and kissed her, taking her hand and leading over to their favorite tree, desperate to get his mind off the trouble that was already happening, and the problems that surely awaited them.

* * *

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	12. Pretty Little Lies

"Kelly, those dogs need to get their asses BACK IN THE STUDIO!"

The young assistant winced at her boss's loud tone, silently begging someone, ANYONE, to shut him up. It was true that there hadn't been a Big Time Rush recording session in several days, but truthfully, Kelly felt that was a good thing. With James's accident having such an effect on them, they probably weren't in any condition to work. Would a hiatus really hurt them?

"Gus-"

"WE HAVE AN ALBUM TO RECORD AND GRIFFIN IS GONNA BE PISSED IF WE DON'T GET SOMETHING GUN!" Gustavo ranted, stomping his feet. Kelly rolled her eyes, propping her head up with her hand. This man was giving her the world's worst headache and she wasn't sure if she should scream "I quit" or try to calm him down...

"Gustavo!" She finally yelped, getting his attention. "Look, those boys have been through hell lately and I...I don't think BTR needs to be their priority right now. They need a _break."_

Gustavo's jaw dropped and his eyes widened, and Kelly knew exactly what he was thinking...or maybe he wasn't thinking anything at all. The only thing Kelly knew for sure is that she wanted what was best for the guys. She and Gustavo needed to put their well-being before anything else. Maybe Griffin would throw a fit, but the guys were much more important.

"I'm just saying," She said calmly. "that maybe BTR needs to go on a hiatus."

"You're serious? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NO!" Gustavo stormed past her, pulling out his cell phone. Meanwhile, Kelly sighed, shaking her head. Well, she tried.

* * *

James sat quietly on the Palm Woods roof, admiring the scenery in front of him. He always loved being up here and being able to see how big and beautiful Los Angeles really is. Right now, however, he wasn't up here just for the sake of entertainment. Everyone in 2J was driving him crazy and he needed some peace and quiet.

He looked at his wheelchair, narrowing his eyes. Oh, how he wished that he could get out of this thing, but there was no way. Unless he had his mobility back, he was stuck in this stupid thing. He hated the damn wheelchair, but he had no choice but to roll around in it like an invalid. Well, he didn't WANT to be an invalid.

"Is this what you wanted?" He whispered up at the sky, seriously questioning why God would ever allow this to happen. "Is this really what was suppose to happen? For my life to be ruined and for me to lose my girlfriend and our baby?" He blinked back tears, emitting a shaky breath. He couldn't help but be angry with the man upstairs, even if there was some understandable reason behind the whole thing.

"Did I do something to deserve this?" His voice cracked. The sky was turning a dark shade of grey and suddenly a crack of lightening was heard, but James didn't even make an effort to go back inside. If he got drenched in the rain, he wouldn't care. He was past the point of caring about anything...

"Hmm, I think you need to go inside. It's gonna get messy out here."

He looked over at Jo, who was walking toward him. He was confused by her presence, since she was usually with Kendall. However, he was kind of relieved at the same time. At least he knew that Jo wouldn't nag him about his "strange behavior." She'd keep her questions to herself and just look out for him.

"C'mon." She said, grabbing the handles of his wheelchair and ushering him toward the elevator. "You know, you really should have someone with you. Like, in case you need anything."

"I don't _need _anything." James replied, crossing his arms over his chest. Really! He wasn't completely unable to handle himself. He still had full use of his arms, so he could easily maneuver his chair on his own. Sure, his arms may have gotten sore at times, but he was a hockey player and dancer. He was use to being sore.

"Hey, could I stay in your dorm? The guys and Mama Knight have been all over me and I need a break."

"Um, well-"

"It's okay." James sighed.

"No! Of course you can stay." Jo answered, pushing him down the hall to her apartment. He breathed a sigh of relief as they entered the living room, enjoying the relief it brought him. Jo was a friend, so he had every right to spend time in her home, right? Did it matter that she was Kendall's girlfriend?

"So...what have they been bugging you about?" She asked, sitting on the couch.

"Ugh, just about going to therapy and all that garbage." James muttered, rolling himself closer to her. "They think I'm not grieving properly."

"Well..."

"What?"

"Nothing!"

James took a deep breath, looking at the blonde. Deep down, like, really deep down, he knew that he was struggling more than he was letting on, but he wasn't ready to admit it. He just wanted to push it all aside and forget about it, although it was proving to be a lot more difficult than he thought it'd be.

"You look like you could use some tea." Jo said with a soft smile, getting up and walking to the kitchen. James gave her a weak smile in response, his attention being captured by a framed photograph on the coffee table. It appeared to have been taken at a Christmas party because Jo was wearing a red sweater with a Christmas tree on the chest.

"So, that's a nice picture." He said when she returned to the living room.

"Thanks." Jo said as she handed him a glass of sweet tea. "It was taken at a family Christmas party last year."

"It's...you look...nice, really."

"Th-thanks." Jo stuttered, sipping her own tea. James nodded slowly, looking at everything but her. Why did he feel so awkward right now? It probably had something to do with the fact that he was alone with his best friend's girlfriend. He didn't see anything wrong with it, but Kendall might. The guy had a tendency to get jealous, even when he didn't need to be.

"So...um, wanna watch TV or something? Maybe Spongebob!"

"Sure!" Jo said enthusiastically, reaching for the TV remote. James began to relax as he focused his attention on the cartoon, putting his worries aside, while spending time with a good friend. He needed this. He needed someone that could help him forget about everything.

* * *

Hours passed before he decided to go back to 2J, where he found his bandmates watching a movie.

"Hey, where have you been?" Kendall asked. James had absolutely no idea what to say. There was no way that he was gonna admit that he had spent the whole afternoon watching cartoons with Kendall's girlfriend. Sure, it was completely innocent, but he knew EXACTLY how Kendall would take it. Simply telling him "Hey, your girlfriend is actually a great source of comfort" surely wouldn't help his case.

"Oh, I was...I was just out." He lied, biting the inside of his cheek. Carlos and Logan eyed him curiously and Kendall just gave him a suspicious look, but he put on a pretty convincing face. Hey, he personally found himself to be a very good actor, so he could lie his way out of these situations fairly easily.

"Where?"

"I went to the park." He said smoothly, crossing his arms.

"Uh huh."

"Seriously!"

"Right."

"Ugh, you're unbelievable." James muttered, wheeling himself over to the couch. With Logan's help, he got from his wheelchair to the couch, pulling the lever and lifting the footrest up. He thanked the smart boy as he was handed his laptop. What better distraction than the internet? Well, that was the case for him. Maybe not for everyone else.

"And where has Jo been?"

"Kendall, I don't know." He lied again, typing Youtube into the address bar. The blonde boy's scoff aggravated him, but he didn't let it show. The last thing he wanted was to fight with anyone right now. He just wanted to avoid any conversation related to the accident or his absence this afternoon. Was that so much to ask?

"Shut up, the bad guy's coming!" Carlos whispered, flailing his arms at them. Kendall didn't make a sound, but James gave a small chuckle. Carlos's excitement over scary movies was enough to make him laugh, even if he was feeling like dirt. Seriously, leave it to Carlitos to amuse someone, even when they're in the worst mood.

Now, if Kendall would lighten up, everything would be...well, almost perfect.

Oh, who was he kidding? Life was FAR from perfect.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! 

"DOOOOOGGGGSSSS!"

And apparently James's "problems" weren't the only issue.

* * *

**I'm quite proud of this chapter and I hope that my lovely readers enjoyed it too:)**

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	13. You Never Shut Up

**I'm quite proud of this chapter:)**

* * *

"You got any acting projects coming up?"

"Yes, actually. I'm doing an action movie about a girl who helps her wrongly accused best friend escape from prison and clear his name." Jo smiled, eating a scoop of ice cream.

"Very interesting." James replied. From a distance, Kendall was watching the two, narrowing his eyes at every laugh or smile they shared. He knew he shouldn't be jealous, since they have every right to be friends if they wanna be, but he couldn't help wanting James to get the hell away from his girlfriend.

"Yeah, there's...a lot of ass kicking!" Jo giggles, and James smiled in response. Kendall huffed, taking another sip of his Coca Cola. It was almost as if it were James and Jo dating instead of Kendall and Jo dating. Really, they were acting just like a couple, minus the hugging and kissing that usually comes with being in a relationship.

"I love movies with lots of ass kicking!" James laughed. Kendall barely managed to keep from squeezing the can too hard, biting the inside of his cheek. For whatever reason, those two have been getting closer every day. Kendall wasn't sure if he liked that...

"Hey, you wanna go to lunch later?" Jo asked, finishing the rest of the ice cream.

"Sure, I would...I would like that."

Kendall nearly spit out his drink, but started choking instead. James and Jo going on a lunch date? Oh, hell no. He could stand them being friends, but going out to lunch alone? There was no way that he was gonna let that happen? It wasn't that he didn't trust either of them, but the idea of them going out to lunch by themselves just made him uncomfortable.

"Heeyyy!" He greeted, interrupting them. "I heard you're going to lunch? I wanna go to lunch! I am STARVING!"

"Um...sure." Jo frowned, glancing at him. He could see how annoyed James was, but he didn't bother questioning it. Hey, could he really be blamed for wanting to protect his relationship from "The Face" of Big Time Rush? James was one of those guys that was sort of hard for girls to resist. If Jo spent too much time with him, she might fall for him.

* * *

"Shut up!"

"Yeah!"

"You and Carlos actually put Twinkies in the poor woman's chair?"

"We did!" James chuckles, taking his black gloves off. His hands got sore when he maneuvered his own wheelchair for too long, so he wore the gloves to make it a little less painful. He was glad they were finally at Starbucks, though, so he could take them off and just relax. Of course, he wasn't sure how relaxed he'd be with Kendall "monitoring" his friendly outing with Jo.

"You are crazier than I thought you were!" Jo laughed.

"Yep, he's a real chuckle factory."

"Kendall, for the love of God-"

"Well, I'm just saying!"

James gave him a sarcastic smile, rolling his eyes when Kendall wasn't looking. It was like Kendall thought there was something romantic going on. There wasn't! James had absolutely no romantic feelings for Jo. He just really needed a shoulder to lean on and Jo was being that person for him. While the guys were criticizing the way he was choosing to grieve, she just listened to him when he needed her.

"So..." Jo said awkwardly, tapping her fingers against the table.

"Any other commentary, Kendall?"

"No, none at all." Kendall answered, crossing his arms. James rolled his eyes, covering his face. As much as he cared for Kendall, the guy was seriously getting on his nerves. Come on, the guy was completely invading a simple outing with a good friend. Since when had it become a crime to spend time with your best friend's girlfriend?

"Of course." James said flatly, sipping his Vanilla Cappuccino.

"Um, I'm gonna go to the ladies room." Jo murmured. "I'll be right back!"

"Bye!" James and Kendall both waved. Once she walked into the restroom, James glared at Kendall, openly expressing his annoyance.

"Really, dude?"

"What?" Kendall laughed, grabbing another donut. James shook his head, slipping his gloves back on and heading to the door. Of course he wasn't surprised to hear Kendall's footsteps behind him. Why was the guy following him? There was nothing to talk about, so why? He really didn't understand.

"You really are an asshole, you know that?" He muttered, wheeling himself out the door.

"Oh, and why is that?"

"I just wanted to hang out with her as FRIENDS, Kendall, but of course you had to invite yourself and make it into something awkward!"

"Well, can you really tell me you'd want one of your friends going out with Emilia alone?"

Silence.

"Well, that won't be happening because she's _not here_." James responded, wheeling himself to Jo's car. Of course he couldn't get in by himself, but he'd wait there until Jo came out to take them home. He couldn't believe that Kendall would ever bring Emilia into this. For God's sake, she was dead!

"Jay, I'm-"

"Don't."

"Jay, really, I'm s-"

"DON'T SAY IT."

Kendall sighed, leaning against the vehicle. James just sat there, his eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. There was no point in talking about Em as if she were still alive, so why would Kendall ever do that? And you know, if Em were still alive, he could have been preparing to become a _father_, but he would never get to experience that feeling.

"You guys just left me? Thanks a lot!" Jo teased, walking over to them. "Ready to go back to the Palm Woods?"

"Yeah." James nodded. "Yeah, we're ready."

"I guess so." Kendall murmured, watching as Jo helped James into the back seat. James wouldn't even look at him, though. He couldn't after what had just been said. How could he? What the guy had said was really hurtful, considering that Emilia was no longer alive.

"Did something happen?"

"No." James whispered, looking down. He tried his best to keep the tears away. Kendall had hurt him, but he couldn't cry. Not now, not ever. After all the mistakes he'd made, he wanted to make himself suffer for as long as possible.

* * *

"Kendall, I wanna know what the hell you said to him!" Jo snapped. She _knew _that her dear boyfriend wasn't telling her everything that had happened. She would try her best not to get too angry, but the guilt on Kendall's face told her that what he'd said or done was pretty serious and he probably _deserved_ to be reprimanded.

"Kendall-"

"Okay, fine! I sort of mentioned him being jealousy if Em spent any time alone with _his _friends and he kindly reminded me that she's dead, and now I feel really bad."

Jo smacked a hand to her face. Was he serious? Didn't he know that you never just casually mention your best friend's dead significant other? James was clearly still grieving, so bringing Emilia up right now was a idiotic move on Kendall's part. Goodness, sometimes she wanted to kiss him and other times she just wanted to slap him.

"Wow, I'm dating an idiot."

"It slipped!"

"That's no excuse, Kendall!" Jo whispered harshly, glaring at him. She growled as he wrapped his arms around her waist, knowing damn well that he was just sucking up. She loved this guy so much, but she was very aggravated with him. She had begun to really bond with James and had become rather protective of him.

"I love you?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Can I buy you dinner?"

"I'm not hungry, Kendall."

"Can I go apologize to James?"

"Yes you can."

* * *

Jo sat patiently on the couch, listening to Kendall attempts at apologizing to James. She thought it was going pretty well, until she heard a long line of obscenities from James. Seconds later, Kendall reappeared, his eyes wide and his mouth wide open. Jo had a similar expression on her face, since she hadn't realized that James had such a...colorful vocabulary.

"Well, I'm glad there weren't any small children around!" He said, sitting next to her. "You know he gave me the finger before I walked out?"

"Now _that _I can believe."

"Babe, what am I gonna do?"

"Well," Jo sighed, rubbing his back. "Maybe just give him some time."

She took a deep breath, patting her boyfriend's head. She wasn't a miracle worker, okay? As much as she wished that she could make James forgive Kendall for his "foot in mouth" syndrome, she couldn't. Kendall would just have to sit back and wait for James to recover from the argument.

She just hoped that he would. At this moment in time, she wasn't so sure.

* * *

**I'm thinking that James should finally break down in the next chapter:')**

**Review! :D**


	14. A Breakdown and a Kiss

**This chapter is very dramatic and surprising 0.0**

* * *

James couldn't sleep. He just couldn't. At about two thirty in the morning, he found himself moving from his bed to his wheelchair and exiting the apartment in a hurry. He was having one of those nights where he just felt...drained...and weak. He wheeled himself to the elevator as fast as he could, pressing the roof button.

He was barely able to contain his tears as he made it onto the roof, biting the inside of his cheek. Looking over the edge of the building, he could see a motorcycle driver below, as well as several vehicles driving back and forth. That motorcycle is what finally made him snap, cruelly reminding him that such a machine was the cause of Emilia's death.

He choked back a sob, backing away from the edge. In the distance, he could see Emilia's ghost standing there, watching him intently. When he blinked his eyes and opened them yet again, she was gone and he finally let it all out. Sobbing, he thought back to that life changing night, when everything fell apart.

Why did he ever insist on them going out? They could have just stayed by the pool and had a nice time without leaving the Palm Woods, but James just had to be stupid and insist that they go for a ride on that damn motorcycle.

"Jay?"

James found it hard to stop crying. Every time he tried, he just cried harder and it was only when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him that he began to feel somewhat better, even though he continued sobbing. He was relieved that it was Jo who had found him, instead of one of the guys. He didn't want them to see him cry.

"Shhh." Jo murmured, holding him tightly.

He kept sobbing for about ten minutes before he finally stopped. His face was still red, however, and stained with tears. Jo was quick to take a tissue and wipe the stray tears away before stroking his cheek with her thumb. He never responded, though. Maybe he wasn't crying anymore, but he was still hurting.

"Wanna go to the pool or something?" Jo suggested. Nodding, James allowed her to push him into the elevator, keeping his silence the whole time.

* * *

"Do the guys know you're here?"

"Nope." James murmured, staring up at the stars. Jo had been nice enough to help him from his wheelchair to a lawn chair, so he could comfortably relax and look at the beautiful night sky. He still felt weird after crying so hard, but being out here was beginning to make him feel better. It was even nicer that he wasn't alone.

"Shouldn't you tell them?"

"Please, Kendall would freak if he knew I was here with you." James chuckled weakly, earning a giggle from Jo. The blonde shrugged as she turned onto her side, looking at him. It was then that he realized just how attractive Jo Taylor really is. He couldn't let himself fall for her for two reasons, though. 1) she was Kendall's girlfriend and 2) he didn't wanna seem like he was replacing Emilia. It would be wrong on so many levels.

"Well, Kendall's not the boss of me!" Jo teased, sitting up. James looked at her with raised eyebrows, surprised by her sudden defiance. "Jay, I'm serious! I love him, but he can't tell me who I can and can't hang out with! If I wanna spend time with you, I'm gonna do it!"

James laughed, running his fingers through his hair. This sudden change in attitude was really adorable. He could only wish that he could say it out loud. He didn't wanna be known as the guy that stole his friend's girl. He just wasn't the kind of guy to hurt a friend like that, especially not one of his closest friends.

"Hey, can I ask for your opinion on something?"

"Sure." He said, looking at her.

"Well, I'm with Kendall, but there's this other guy that I'm beginning to like a lot. I love Kendall so much, but I'm so conflicted between him and the other guy. What do you think I should do?"

"Um, well..." James hesitated, taking a deep breath. "I think you should do what makes you happy."

"Well, I wanna try something." Jo told him, sitting on the edge of his lawn chair. He didn't once try to move as her face came closer to his, then finally, their lips touched. The worst part? He didn't stop it. He kissed back, letting their fingers become intertwined. Was he thinking about anyone watching? Nope!

Snap!

"W-what was that?" Jo suddenly pulled away, frantically looking around. James did the same, but he couldn't find the source of the snap. He did notice that it sounded a lot like a camera, like a paparazzi camera. If that was the case, then pictures of them kissing would end up in the news and Kendall would find out!

"I don't know." He gulped as Jo helped him into his wheelchair. In a hurry, she pushed him back into the Palm Woods and toward the elevator, taking him not to his apartment but down to the basement. He was actually glad, though. He wasn't sure if he wanted to face Kendall just yet.

"Why are we down here?" He questioned.

"Because I'm pretty sure that a photographer just got a picture of us MAKING OUT!" Jo ranted, pacing around the room. James covered his face, groaning. My god, what were they gonna do? He was sure that Kendall would see those pictures and James would forever be looked at as a woman stealer.

"Well, what are we gonna do about it?"

"I don't know!" Jo whispered, sitting on the floor. Reaching out, James awkwardly patted her head, even though he was just as terrified as her. He didn't know why he had let her kiss him, even though there was a part of him that really liked her. Then again, he also liked Vanessa a lot. He just had to make up his mind. Did he want a blue haired, tattooed bad girl? Or did he want a blonde, tattoo free sweetheart?

"Okay," he exhaled. "We can't just hide forever, so...let's just act like everything's normal and if Kendall does see the pictures, tell him that I was helping you rehearse for a project?"

"You mean _lie_?" Jo scoffed, giving him a disbelieving look. He shrugged, his head aching. He might as well have just stayed on the roof and kept crying. That wouldn't have gotten him into any trouble, but kissing his best friend's girlfriend would definitely cause some problems. Of course she kissed him, but still! It's not like he stopped her!

"We screwed up, didn't we?"

"We definitely screwed up."

* * *

"Why did you leave this morning?" Kendall wondered, eyeing James's suspiciously.

"I just n-needed to be a-alone." James stuttered, putting on an innocent facade.

"Uh huh."

James rolled his eyes at the guy, crossing his arms. Deep down, however, he was thinking about what had _really _happened. He really felt like this worst friend in the world and the fact that Kendall is probably gonna see pictures of James and Jo kissing just made it even worse. What was he thinking? What did he let Jo kiss him?

"I'm gonna go and take a nap." He took a deep breath, wheeling away to his room and shutting the door. He was close to breaking down _again_, but he couldn't do it anymore. He was just really tired of crying and he could only hope that his anxiety would go away, preferably soon.

* * *

**Hopefully you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it:)**

**Review! :D**


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